Its been several months since I have been motivated to write a blog. To be honest, its been months since I’ve been motivated at all. Everything that I have done since March has been just enough to function. The pandemic hit me like a ton a bricks and impacted every minute aspect of my life. I was already processing alot with my depression and anxiety, and the pandemic seemed to take what I was experiencing and amplify it 10 fold.
As I get older, I find my recovery time from being kicked down is a lot slower than in my 20s. And this kick hurt a lot. I don’t prescribe to this idea of extreme positivity thinking all the time. Sometimes, I just want to wallow and I need to hear other people feel the same. That shared empathetic experience is where I find the most healing.
As I figuratively claw my way back to my sense of best self, I’m so quick to jump to what was the lesson I learned in all this. But why does there need to be a lesson? Why do I need there to be a lesson? Maybe because otherwise, I went through this, WE went through this painful, hard time for no reason. And that is a hard pill to swallow. But maybe there doesn’t need to be a lesson. Maybe the personal growth that I am so painfully going through is what will be what makes this time necessary and important.
Through it all though, I needed to stay anchored. What anchors me? Is it my family? Honestly, I can say not always. I love my family dearly, but they were part of the problem, right? Stuck at home with no where to go in the same tiny space with the same humans can become so exhausting. I was so grateful that I could still go to the studio I owned and just be in a space of my own creation that held the spirits of my community that I helped bring together. In that space were the echos of cheering and laughter, joy and tears. It grounded me in something beyond every role that I play on a daily basis. Mother, Wife, Employee – these self imposed roles along with the roles society puts on me – they are exhausting. But in my studio I found deep rest and space to breathe.
So maybe, the lesson is no matter where I am in life, having that anchor, will always bring me back myself.
Grace and Love,
Image credit: Alyssa Kristine Photography